Philo…phobia?

To be honest, I don’t know how to begin this, um, thoughtful writing. I’ve been rummaging through my brain and all these topics and voices speaking out loud trying to decide of what to embark this write with. I can’t seem to decide between loneliness or love. Ironic, isn’t it?  Well, I’ll start with love. For certain reasons I’ve been having this thought of love in my head quite a while. I guess I would be blaming this unexpected thought to a guy, obviously. Before we get down to who this guy is and how it happen I should let something clear about myself;  I, for the most part, choose the awful guy. Don’t ask why, I don’t know. I think it’s in my genes, but then again don’t we ALL choose the awful guy. I think we women have a complex of being wonder woman or something in-between incest and hero. It’s like we want to nurture the guy that obviously needs more than nurturing, but we believe ( or I believe) that I can somehow, with magical powers I never knew I could possibly have, fix him. Make him wake up the next day and BAM! all done, no more hurting our feelings, no more unfaithfulness, no more out of control behavior, no more using us as sex toys, but let’s face it, we are not fucking super heroes and I’m pretty that even if we were, we couldn’t fix it anyway. I know, who says they need any fixing, right?

My point is, women are complicated and stupid ( and I know this for a fact because, guess what, I am a fucking woman! Awesome, not?) we say we want a nice guy who treats us right and would never hurt us and he’s standing right next to you holding your hair so you don’t get it covered with all the vomit coming out of your mouth. Yes, we are like that, we see bright lights and neon signs when we see a guy that has a label in his forehead that says “DON’T DATE ME, I’M DEFINITELY NOT WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR AND THEREFORE NOT WORTH YOUR TIME” but instead we see “OMG, HE’S TOTALLY DANGEROUS AND HOT… MMMM… DANGEROUS AND HOT…”

Okay, okay maybe not like that but yeah, we get attracted to danger quite often, why? I don’t know, my theory is we like the pain. We like to feel unloved and unwanted, we yearn it more than the fact that we want love and attention. I’ts out own deprivation of the one thing we’ve been looking endlessly and have been having right in our face all this time, yes my friend, the guy/ girl you got zoned. Let me tell you why this usually happens and please don’t tell me otherwise.
Since birth, our mothers and fathers have taught us to find someone perfect to their eyes, or, as my own mother says, someone who could give me what my father never gave her. Our mothers tell us to look for guys that could give us what they promise and we create this mental profile ( like we’re some sort of specialists in profiling) and we create this, this Adonis, this marvelous creature that beats any creature Michelangelo ever created. It’s the very image of the one thing we’ll never find and if we do, there’s always a part missing and it’s usually the one that matters, brain and/or heart or maybe both and that would be sad, so very fucking sad.

Guys, the guys that girls usually want, that guy that can give you the world if you asked, those guys go through almost the same. Sometimes one of the parents ( either mom or dad) give them a thought, a piece of the puzzle for them to start drawing out strings of what they want, and they think at first, they’d settle for  a smart girl but as soon as puberty starts BOOM! who cares about a sweet, smart girl? I want one with a big ass and gigantic boobs where I can drown myself in, oh and the hourglass figure like Kim Kardashian ( God, I hope that’s the first and last time I go to such resources as those ridiculous girls). So, right after puberty and all the hormones are somehow, stable, the mind kicks in and this guy searched for the two things quite impossible to find a gorgeous, smart girl. Oh yes, I know what you’ll say, there are plenty of those but have you forgotten what I just said? Usually something’s missing and I bet my sorry ass in this one, in girls is mostly the heart. Sure there are smart beautiful women, I’ve met a few, but they don’t have hearts. They use and abuse nice guys like the ones common girls look for.

So it’s a constant chain of unfortunate events for all of us, I shall illustrate it  for you:

Yes, the good guy/girl is a forever alone…

It’s a fact, this happens every day and that’s why I bring forward the subject, because I think that I finally met a good guy that,apparently is after someone who is either blind or a bitch that can’t notice how good he is. The bad news? I can’t even have the guts to tell him anything because I think, what’s the point of laying it all out? Sure I’d take the weight off my shoulders, but another heavier one would then occupy it’s vacant space, the heavy weight of knowing he knows and that he will now ignore me and think of me as someone below his expectatives  or, I could be wrong, but I’m usually never wrong, so I won’t take my chances on a guy that I met at economic assistance, who played the yawing card on a stranger to start a conversation and who could, if interested, play the same trick again. Nah, I’ll pass.

I couldn’t stand the rejection anymore and even if there was the smallest, tiniest possibility for him to like me as much as I like him, I bet he’d choose the heartless gal over the caring girl, whether he would say otherwise, he would. Yet here I am questioning myself whether to try or not and not finding a way how to do so. I guess I’ll go to bed once again with the same question, should I or shouldn’t I?

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