As I lay here in my sofa, I cannot help but think of that one person which seems I cannot get rid of.
This writing is probably not my usual style but I must express myself before I hurt myself any further.
I am in love, indeed, and I must say; I have been there.
I have been there in the moments where you ask yourself: “What is wrong with me?” but now, you’re not asking yourself this because you are in love, no. We always wonder if something is wrong with us when that one person that makes your heart beat faster tells you it’s over. This is were you start asking what is wrong with me. The answer? Nothing. But we go on pinpointing our flaws because we think that there is definitely something wrong with us. When there is someone else in this persons life, we start comparing ourselves with that other girl because we feel intimidated and insecure and we want to understand why he chose her and not you. Yes, I’ve been there and I know the feeling, it’s a horrible screaming inside your stomach. Or the guy that promises you he’ll never hurt you but that’s exactly what he’s been doing since the beginning. Some of us don’t do anything about this because at least he loves us, he loves us enough to stay by our sides or just keep coming back to us when it goes bad with that other girl, or because he can manipulate us with his words and his puppy face, so even though he doesn’t love you the way you want or the way he should, to you he loves you a little and you are comfort with that small part instead of the part which should be rightfully yours. So we are satisfied with it because we are scared no one will love us enough to stay through all our drama and then our guilty conscience drops in and we think that this is the payback we get for all the dirty things we did in the past, we believe karma is coming back at us tenfold, but honestly, deep down inside of you, you know you don’t deserve it, that you deserve so much better but we are all go with the motto that it is as good as it gets just because we prefer to aim at a comfort zone than a higher one. Now, we blame it on love; yes, because love is evil ans it’s cruel because we lay our eyes on the persons that we think we can save but know we are seriously no superhero, but still we dress ourselves as wonderwoman or superman; saviors wanting to be saved and this becomes the irony and the tall tale of love.
I’ve been there, I’ve loved and have been hurt and I have fallen as I am right now for someone I wish I could save but know that I cannot. I’ve been there. In the deep dark corners of despair, filled with rushing excitement to go running through the streets and scream at the top of my lungs how much I love him, but love… love is just an emotion that sometimes it is only shared with yourself, don’t be fooled, love is real ( or at least I hope it is) but love to me is invalid is the other participant does not participate; then where would the name love fit in? I am there.
I am in the borders of my own restrictions because I am afraid; after so many falls and so many lies and deceiving eyes and secrets and all else that should not happen in love, I cannot make myself establish the true desire of what I acclaim.
But then again there comes a thought, if love is where the heart is and where the heart is is called home, does that make my home one that I cannot reside in? Does that make love a poor vagabond searching for food and shelter? If when I am with you I am home, why can I inhabit my own shelter?
To this point I’ve concluded that love is meaningless. Love is just a word that cannot entirely be defined because no one ever feels the same way. It is a rare thing for two people to feel the same but there is always someone who feels less and someone who feels more, there is no equality in love. I’ve heard many stories of love and romance and I always seem to come out with the same response to all of them. We always find a way to cover their flaws with our fingers but we only end up smudging them and spreading them all around like kids finger painting. I have seen, I have heard and I have been there. It’s a sickening addiction of being loved because we feel unloved by personal situations, or some rather random reason. We are beings that depend on others so for that one reason we need love, and we crave it knowing now and then how it all goes down. Sometimes love is actually achieved, how, however, I do not know. I wish I would but I am afraid I don’t know that answer yet. Maybe it is because of the same reason,because we are satisfied with the little we aim we learn to survive it, outlive it and make it part of our life.
But of all the phases of love, I adore the yearning part; yes, that part when you get online on your Facebook and expect him to be online so you can talk about ridiculous events of anything that comes to mind just to at least hear in your head the words that person has typed. Or at the moment when that person tells you that he will call you and you wait endlessly by the end of the phone, make sure you have enough signal so the call gets through, then you spend more than 5 hours talking and slurring all those gushy feelings out through a sound wave line and hope that everyday it will be like this, only to find out that person is seeing someone else. You do all these silly things because you WANT to be loved, because you have chosen that person and you hope and dream that that person has also chosen you.
I am not being sarcastic, I do love the yearning part but it is only because of the rush of excitement, the constant waking up smiling, going to sleep smiling, the radiant glow you portray of yourself in the mirror, those shiny eyes glimmering back at you and it is depressing and heartbreaking to see all that sudden happiness go down the drain.
The truth is that we hurt ourselves with love, why? Because we expect. We expect the people we love to think, act, and talk like we do because we want them to be straight up, or because we want them to take us out, or to call or text and I mean with the technology we have of course we must expect because there is no way you cannot say you are too busy to text, too busy to call someone that you actually care for. But we expect this all to go down our way because we have a dependency to be wanted, to be loved to be that hot bikini girl from that magazine he looks at all the time or that hot deuce tanned guy she checks out in the tv, we want to be that certain person in their eyes so we do the most ridiculous things to get there but having inside the fear that it just won’t work.
I’ve been there.
But let’s face it, when we have already got the message and we have decided to move on, that certain person just pops out of nowhere, like a pop-up advertisement while surfing the Net. And the thing is that it is there and then that they actually arrive in time; in the perfect time when we are about to forget and move on, they come knocking down the door, bringing back all those words, all those memories, all those “awesome” times you have fought with beer and alcohol to forget so bad. And then the long phone call hours come and all your hopes get high and when you are about to make a sudden move, that same person just left the building and you are left wondering, if it was something you said, something you did and so you move on to ask what happen and the result to your question is still left incognita.
Then you put barriers to not let the person in, to push everything aside, to remove it from your hard disk and eliminate it forever, but so it happens that the same situation happens and this takes quite a few times of repetition until you just get tired of it and you put up all these crazy things to make that person leave. And this is where I ask myself, if that one person just keeps coming back to you, not because he’s looking for you no, but because life or karma or whatever you want to name it puts that person in your path, what the hell does it mean? If that one person wants you but never does anything to get you yet life keeps putting him there, like some sort of childhood trauma you cannot get rid of with no matter how many amount of therapy you get.
I am there and I honestly know what you are going through. Love is not an easy thing but it’s not a hard thing. I have learned one thing or two; never force it, let it happen and if you are not happy or satisfied and you argue too much for any ridiculous thing, re evaluate your relationship and find always, ALWAYS! what is best for you. Never make the other person the priority of everything, you are the priority but always bend the rules when needed to. Be careful on who you trust and learn to know that person well before any attempts at a relationship, never do revenge on someone who broke your heart, you’ll hurt yourself twice. And never ever asked yourself what is wrong with you, because you are perfect in every way and if he cannot take a notice than you know what to do…